Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sometimes It Hurts To Be A Mom

When I brought my beautiful daughters home from the hospital I was so full of love, hope and joy. I looked at that little child in my arms and dreamed of what their future would be. My children are God's children first and He has entrusted them to me as their steward while they are here on this earth. I read His manual for how to parent, I prayed for them, and loved on them. I am so blessed that both of my girls have accepted the Lord. Missy, being my quiet one, came to know Jesus in her own private way. I had the privilege of praying with Stephany when she accepted the Lord at 5 years of age. When Stephany was 9 she made the decision to be baptized. This is the little girl that would come home from school so excited that she had prayed with someone on the playground at school and witnessed to them of the Lord.

I always thought that because my girls know Jesus personally they would somehow be "protected" from the things of the world. I know that is absolutely not true and I have been humbled because some of those terrible things of the world have entered my home. This is horribly hard for me to write, and embarrassing, but I feel that I have to. My blog is a place of release for me and, I hope, a blessing for others. These are things that I need to write about so that maybe the pain will somehow leave my body and soul for a bit.

Stephany has been struggling with anxiety and depression since she was in the 7th grade. Some of that is the fault of both of her parents who have had a bad marriage. Some of it is the fault of a dad who loves his daughter but is not an involved parent. But her problems are not all the fault of me or her dad. Some are problems of her own choosing. I have a former friend who would tell me on a daily basis that I just needed to be harder on Stephany. That I needed to be a firmer disciplinarian. You don't know how hard I have tried - and on my own because her dad refuses to be involved in that area. I have grounded her, taken away the cell phone, restricted computer use, and any other thing that I could think of to remove as a form of punishment. I know that this former friend probably still reads my blog. I'm sure that she will delight in some small way that what she has "predicted" for my daughter has finally come true. She has a son who has always attended Christian school, is on fire for the Lord, and never gives her many problems. This is the reason that we are no longer friends - I just could not take listening to another minute of having my daughter and her son compared and me being told I'm not hard enough on my daughter. But I also remember that my pastor and his wife went through the very same thing with their daughter that I am going through, maybe some worse things, and I know that they were good parents.

But when you're walking through this hard time with your child you begin to doubt yourself. I have come to realize that I am a good parent. I have been praying and fighting for my daughter every day since she's been born. Now I just need to say the words although it's hurts me so much. Stephany has become involved with drugs. It started with marijuana and has now progressed to experimentation with cocaine and ecstasy. There have been other issues that go along with this - stealing money from her dad to buy drugs, sneaking out of the house at all hours, taking all of her Christmas and birthday money to buy drugs, lying, and on and on.

What could I have done to prevent this? Probably not much. I have done everything that I know how to do as a parent. Stephany has been in church since she was 5 days old and has been raised in a Christian home. She has never seen these things in our home and has always been told how bad they are. Her father is a recovering alcoholic - sober for 21 years - so we don't even have alcohol in our home. But the bent towards addiction is hereditary - that is a medical fact - and Stephany inherited that bent. It also runs on my side of the family. That, coupled with her anxiety and low self-esteem, have pushed her to try things to make her "feel" better.

My daughter is a beautiful girl inside and out. She is a child of God and He loves her more than I do. She is smart, funny, kind, and compassionate. Right now she is walking in a dark valley. But the bright side - Praise God - is that Stephany is willing to go to rehab and counseling. She wants to be better and wants to turn her life around. She knows that Jesus is the only answer. She tells me that she wants to be better but doesn't know how. That is why we are getting professional help for her. Next Thursday Stephany will be going into drug rehab. Right now we don't know if it will be outpatient or inpatient. She is willing to do either to get better. Stephany and I were moving to IL in June. For now, those plans have had to be put on hold. We are staying here so that she can get the help that she needs. When the professionals say that it is ok to go, then we will move. I know there might be set backs for Stephany. I know parents who go through this with their kids their whole lives. I am praying that is not that case.

We have a long road ahead of us - especially Stephany. My comfort is that I know that Jesus is walking with us and holding our hands. If I wasn't sure of that I don't know if I could walk much further. Please keep Stephany in your prayers. I need them too. We will be able to feel them and will draw strength from them. I know that God has great things in store for Stephany. God will use this time in our lives as a testimony to His glory. God is good and He is so faithful. I was listening to a song on the radio yesterday - "I Will Praise You in this Storm". I am praising God in this storm. I know that the sun will be peaking through the clouds again. I am hanging onto that hope.


Farmgirl Cyn said...

Dearest Kay,
I have walked the walk you are now walking. Still do, to a certain extent. What has helped me immensely is the knowledge that our Father God had His very own children, Adam and Eve, walk in rebellion. How freakin' unbelievable is that??? I will be praying for you and your family. Please update when possible. We will certainly want to hear about the victories, and the very possible defeats. Thank God for our brothers and sisters in Christ. And for TRUE friends, not pseudo "friends" who compare...something the Word warns about.


K-Falls Farmgirl Cheryl said...

I have learned that children will fall throughout their lives. Thankfully your daughter hass a strong supporting mom guiding her. My grandson has turned 19 and thinks he knows what is best for him,, Experimenting with drugs & alcohol..Be strong. Your child needs to know that. We as mothers often struggle with letting go and letting the child learn from his/her mistakes.Our plan is often different from theirs..Hope for the new opportunity of rehab to open her eyes. God Bless you.& her.

Amy said...

Lots of prayers for you all. You must put this in God's hands. His plan is working. You must trust in him.

You are a very caring and loving Mother. Things happen for a reason. I think that you are a great Mom for standing with your daughter no matter what. Never doubt yourself. You did what you thought was right. Now you must let your daughter do what she think is right. You raised her right. She'll remember that. Maybe not now, but she will. Put her into God's hands.

Lots of Love to you.

Aunt Jenny said...

I will sure be praying for both you and Stephany, Kay!! Seems we all have this sort of thing to go through to some extent. I wish it didn't happen!
Stephy knows you love her and "have her back" and that will really help. It make take time but you are strong and have lots of prayers from all of us farmgirls. You hang in there!!

Mary said...

So many of us have children that seem to go the opposite direction from what they have been taught, or how they have been raised. We can drain ourselves completly, trying to understand why, but in reality giving it to God is the best path. I have been there. He gives us the strength and wisdom to do what is right, and I am sure that is where you are at.

Florence said...

Just know and it will be. God is our protector believe in this. Hugs to you and Stephanie. Florence

Julia said...

Oh my Dear Friend! How I am holding you in my heart. I hurt with you. Please know that you both are in my prayers. God is faithful, even in the valley.

Debbie said...

Dear Kay,
First let me say how sorry I am for your present sadness. I know it is a heavy load to bear. It is so good to hear that you know God is near and He loves you, which is very, very true. I haven't been through the situation you have with my kids, but we have been touched by divorce and a crazy son-in-law. I was Stephany at one time, and I know what it did to my mom.
I had given my life to Christ early, so when those years came around, God didn't let me continue in my sin. But He did allow me to go through some rough times and experiences in order to bring me back to Him. Today, I love the Lord with all my heart and work in prisons with women who have a similar background who need to know the Lord loves them.
Set your heart on this: God has made some promises: "Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it". You have been obedient.
God isn't willing to let Stephany go; He has a lot invested in her in His Son Jesus Christ , who is 'interceeding for her even now', the Bible says.
Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do as parents is to get out of the way and let God. Not to desert her, but simply assure her that you love her and bathe her in prayer and believe that at the end of the tunnel He will be victorious in her behalf.
You can see that you have much support out here from others who love the Lord and want to see victory for you and your family.
Eventually, if the Lord allows, maybe moving to Illinois will be a good place for a new start for you and Stephany. I look forward to having lunch with you when you do.
Keep us in the loop over the coming days when you can so we will know how to pray for you and Stephany.
And I'm sorry about your friend; she may be in for a rude awakening if she thinks she's immune from the world. Trials are an opportunity to develope a closer walk with the Lord:)

Wobegon Cottage said...

All I can say is keep praying. The anxiety and depression make the use of drugs and alcohol more complicated. It usually makes them feel better to cope with their lives but can turn into an addition very quickly. My daughter fell away from the Lord and married a non-christian after she had her first child she started to change back a little. She is going to church now and seems to be trying to get her life right with God so there is always HOPE. We do the best we can and at some point they have to make their own choices. Keep praying God works miracles everyday. Keep friends who are true is only by the GRACE of GOD their go I. Friends should be supportive I will pray for you and your daughter. Keep the Faith. God is in control, even in our darkest moments.

Frk. Toft said...


My name is Mie and yes you don't know me, but I somehow came across your blog.
I read about your daughter and I have to tell you, it is not your fault as a parent, that you haven't been strickt enough.
I have been where your daughter is and still am in a way. No I don't do drugs, but I have and many other things.
I startet at the age of 16 to drink. I had been out on the town with a friend! (Here in Denmark young people start going out at the age) However that first time ever I was raped.
You don't have to feel sorry for me, because I pitty the guy who did it.
The years after the rape I drank every single day and startet smoking marihuana, taking speed etc. At a piont I got really really sick with a kidney infection, that saved me from the drugs and alcohol.
However since I have been a child I have felt that I was different, that I was living in my cocoone I thought that I was going crazy! Untill 2 years ago I got the diagnose, hard depression!! That was a hard pill for me to take, but I knew that I needed help, because I was really agressive at times and I actually had the feeling, that I might have killed someone one day.
I think it is so great to see that your daughter is taking rehab to her. (sorry my english isn't so good at times)
The first step is to admit you have a problem! And I am proud of her.
For you as a mom!

You need to be open.

NO ONE can say to her, stop doing that, stop being stupid. She can't help herself.

Stop asking why! Because half the time we don't know why, however from my experiences I did it to calm down in my head! Sometimes it felt like it was going to explod.

Stop having expectations of her. Because that is a pressure that is to hard for one to handle especially also she has a depression

Take one day at a time.

Instead of (what do you call it) grounding her and take a way her privilleges, talk to her and listen.

I know you believe in God, but you need to know that she, at present time, is a conflicted girl, so it doesn't help if you quote the bible, because you might just push her further away.
I am now 30 years old and every day for me is a fight.
But all a girl wants is to know that her parents loves her no matter what.
It has taking me 14 years to see that I need to talk about my problems.
I don't have drug problem today and my alcohol consumption is to the bare minimum of a good glass of redwin a saturday evening!
BUT then I have some other problems addiction! Now it's food, useing money I don't have etc. So I will ALWAYS be addicted to something, it's just in my genes.
But now I am aware, so I fight every day and so will you daughter!
But I am proud that she has taken her first steps to recovery!

You are a great mom! Always remember that!

Best regards

Mie Toft Pedersen


Frk. Toft said...


My name is Mie and you don't know me. I have read your blog and I am so proud of your daughter, that she has taking the first steps!
I had written A LONG comment, but is was to long so it was deleted!
All in all I wrote I have been where your daughter is in her life and still am! I don't do drugs anymore, I don't drink every day any longer. However every day is a struggle
I would like to write to you and tell you my story, so you can know what not to expect, say and do! And if you have any questions then just ask! I have been struggeling with depressions all my life and I am only 30!

Best regards

Mie Toft Pedersen from Denmark

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